The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
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while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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