I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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