There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
