I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
