Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
