Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
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Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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