My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
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How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
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How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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