My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
