A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
