I could make wine with my vomit
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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