I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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