Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
