I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
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You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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