I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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