for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
