you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
