Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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