I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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