i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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