just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
