textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
