summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
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