ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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