You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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