Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
