Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
