One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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