I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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