I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
