So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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