I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
