just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
