Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
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Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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