I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
