Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
