I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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