First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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