I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
