Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
