I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
