Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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