i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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