My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
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Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
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That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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