I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
