just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
