Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
