do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
