Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
