There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
