1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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