who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
