just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
