So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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