I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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