I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
